I first brainstormed this silly game about seven years ago. Here’s a first installment.
Emergency Response Committee
EMERGENCY RESPONSE COMMITTEE
(The perfect game for killing time)
Gadzooks! The world has been imperiled again and thanks to the quick thinking of your leaders, you have been nominated to save the day! So take your place alongside the other honored members of the EMERGENCY RESPONSE COMMITTEE, and be briefed on the situation (by rolling 2d6 and looking up the result on the Evil Menace Emergency-At-Hand Table). The player holding the Instruction Manual should read the text corresponding to the dice roll aloud, preferably in the voice of…
Evil Menace Emergency-At-Hand Table
- Roll: Result
- 1: A Real Emergency!
- You’ve never learned what 2d6 means. Allow us to explain, lest this gaming injustice be allowed to stand another day. When confronted with a moniker like 2d6, the first number represents a quantity of dice to roll (or 1 die, if absent). The ‘d’ in the middle serves as a convenient reminder that dice are the required gaming tool and not something else like swords, capes, goat’s blood or playing cards. The final number represents the type of dice to roll, or the number of sides (usually 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 20 or 30). Don’t panic, because in this game we’ll only use six-sided dice, or d6, which can be stolen out of just about any board game. Typically, the dice are rolled together and the numbers showing are summed for a total roll. Try it out for yourself a few times. As you’ll learn at any gaming table, rolling dice for no reason can be fun all by itself. When you’re ready, and if there are still other people around to play the game, roll 2d6 and lookup the total on the Evil Menace Emergency-At-Hand Table (continued).
Evil Menace Emergency-At-Hand Table (continued)
- 2 – 4: Die Alte Dingen
- Strange Forces are causing insanity across the world’s entire population. The cause of these Strange Forces is unknown, therefore negotiation is not yet possible. However, the forces seem to be moving slowly, so double the number of days in the next result.
- 5 – 6: The Wrong Hands
- The latest in massively destructive weapons technology has fallen into The Wrong Hands.
- 7: Astronomical Ticket Sales
- The planet has accidentally wandered into the path of a gargantuan asteroid. Unfortunately, negotiating with a rock is not helpful and all soldiers are now occupied with crowd-control duties.
- 8 – 9: Kentucky-Fried Alien
- Aliens from the planet Sandor have entered orbit and threatened invasion unless all of our women are sent to their nearest General Tso’s Kung-Pow Fried-Chicken fast-food store to await mass abduction and take-out.
- 10 – 12: Evil Arch-Warlock for Hire
- An Evil Arch-Warlock for Hire has crossed the barrier of space-time and threatens the ultimate annihilation of this world. He claims to be looking for his book. If unsatisfied he will make your world blow apart like so much bad bubble gum (in order to avoid having to look here twice).
Those in the know will recognize the reference to Tabriz from 9th Level’s KAMB. Around that time I was doing some work for them on Ninja Burger. (The 2nd edition was not published by 9th Level.) Emergency Response Committee was never pitched to 9th Level. They take great pride in their games being funny and fun. This concept, while potentially funny, didn’t seem like much fun in this incarnation.